did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
