I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
