I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
