im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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