I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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