I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
