I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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