Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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