I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
