tonight lets celebrate not being married
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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