Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
