God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
