i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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