I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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