I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
