dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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