I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
where are my eyebrows?
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