Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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