3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
