1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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