I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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