I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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