I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
