U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
