I accidentally had phone sex last night
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
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you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
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You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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