Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
