i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
