He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
