true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
