I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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