I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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