If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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