Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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