Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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