i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
