birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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