did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
