Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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