I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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