Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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