I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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