new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
birth control should be required to get into college
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
