last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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