I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We talked him into tasing himself.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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