Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
