Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
