Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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