Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
