I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
