ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
