i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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