Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
