please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.