Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
