I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
