He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
