he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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