Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
