I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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