Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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